A family feud

Selwyn, Estelle and Gus van der Veen

My mother had two brothers, Gus and Selwyn, one older and one younger than herself.

















The time I spent with the van der Veen uncles, aunts and cousins came to an abrupt halt at some point in my childhood.

The feud between the family lasted until just before my mother's passing, she briefly spoke to both her brothers, nothing really healed or changed and to this date we have no contact or knowledge of this part of our family.

I noticed that the letter itemising her bequests is addressed from 24 Thackeray Street, Vanderbijlpark, which was Gus's home.

She must have lived with Gus and Joyce during her last years.

Going through Dad's letters, I found six pages, undated, unsigned but penned by Dad and he was documenting what seems like the trigger for the family feud.
And not surprisingly it is the telling of family manipulations and money.
It is unclear whether this was the starting point or the tipping point of the breakdown of the extended family.

Dad's writing is always a challenge but the gist is that we had outgrown 3 Gillespie Street (and they had got tired of the neighbours!). The strategy was to buy land, which happened in Wenning Street, Vanderbijlpark, build a home and also accommodate Mom's parents in a self-contained space.

And as Dad finishes on his first page:
"This was then discussed family wise and agreed. The old man would lend us +- R5000 to settle the balance owing on 3 Gillespie Street and pay in +- R3000 for his portion of the house, this was to enable us to immediately negotiate for a new loan to start building, had this happened the house would have been completed by +- mid February 1970. We would have paid back the R5000 as soon as 3 Gillespie was sold. The R3000 wouldn't be repaid as it was to be for the comfort of the old folks and would not be a necessity in our home when they were no longer there."

Gus intervenes, suggests that the folks would be overcapitalising and the plan is shelved. Then in an about turn, he (Gus) ...
"decided he would build on for them, for their (the old folks) account. Gus suggested at the time that the folks should give each of the kids i.e. Gus, Selwyn and Estelle R3000 to even things out, where there was building to be done it could come out of the R3000 (This suggestion was made when we were going to build on at our house - apparently Gus was taking exception to the fact that we would  eventually reap the so called benefit of the extra section built on)"

Mom and Dad withdraw completely at this point, ..
"Estelle also made it clear to Gus that she would have nothing to do with the idea Gus had i.e. R3000 each, as this money might later be needed by the old folks should they require intensive care..'

So, an extension happened at Gus's place, the 'old folks' were not happy it seems and had had expectations of a place with us too as can be seen above.

Nan in her later years.

I recognise a sentiment that I still hear from my father as he spends this last phase of his life in frail care, ...
"and above all realise that they are living with people who have their own lives to lead and are no longer youngsters but have children of their own who naturally must take much of their time, affection and energy which is their just right, then circumstances could be more pleasant."

To Dad: thank you for lessons from this difficult phase of your life that you documented and for being so gracious to me, Inel and Doreen and for not making us feel any guilt about the choices we make and ultimately have to make.

To my darling sisters: we are handling the tough inflection points in our life with Dad as he ages and becomes so frail, with grace and dignity. Thank you for the wisdom to do so and at some level I remember the times Dad is writing about in his notes and we have certainly broken the family constellation set in motion in the 70's.