Looking for me

Mom would arrive at the Johannesburg General Hospital in Hillbrow early on a Monday morning and spend the week having her cancer treatments. She would immediately look forward to the friday morning when she would be fetched to go back home to Vanderbijlpark.

Her diary notes are open on my desk and I  notice that the first thing I am looking for is references to myself and my siblings.

I have been confused about this period in my life and for decades I have told people that my Mom spent 6 months in hospital, when in fact it was 6 weeks.

I have held guilt too and a feeling of not showing up for her during this time in her life.
I wonder if I am being hard on my 18 year old self, no car, certainly no cellphone and also in hindsight I know that I adjusted poorly to the freedom of leaving home.

I have mapped out her notes in this table and I love the entry from Wednesday 7th August 1974, I have a sense of a garden and it seems that visit gave her some comfort.

Date:	Finding myself in Mom’s diary notes. The 6 weeks in Hillbrow Hospital 1974.	Visitors that she mentions
Monday 15th July	Sharon stayed till 7.30. I think it was a little to long for her she looked quite tired, but she managed to do quite a bit of work on her maths notes.
Tuesday 16th July	Selwyn Marx called to see me at lunchtime. He sat and watched me eat it was very nice to see him. Christopher and Sharon came to see me and we had a good laugh about all the shouting nonsence ( a story she wrote about been woken up at night by someone screamimg which made her scream in turn)	Joyce
Wednesday 17th July
Thursday 18th July		Cora called this afternoon and left at 4pm.
Friday 19th July
Monday 22nd July		Cora called this afternoon
Tuesday 23rd July	Well it is our daughter’s birthday. It is hard to believe we have a child of 18. I am looking forward to seeing her tonight and giving her the beautiful ring from your Mother. I know she will treasure it all her life.  By the way I managed to finish the crotchet cloth I was doing for Sharon so I can give it to her today for her birthday as well.	Dad, Joyce and Cora are here this afternoon.
Wednesday 24th July	Oh! Chip Sharon was so thrilled and full of life last night. She was bubbling over with fun. Madam bought all her birthday cards and presents, plus her blouses etc for me to see. All the ladies in the ward sang ‘Happy Birthday” to her as she walked in. It was quite touching.
Thursday 25th July		Dad and Cora’s mom came to visit this afternoon.
Friday 26th July
Monday 29th July		Cora called this afternoon, won’t see her till Thursday
Tuesday 30th July	Sharon, Chris and Selwyn Marx called this evening
Wednesday 31st July
Thursday 1st August
Friday 2nd August
Monday 5th August	Chris and Sharon came just after six and stayed till 7.30. Was waiting from 7.00pm to hear you on the phone
Tuesday 6th August
Wednesday 7th August	Sharon walked here this afternoon and stayed till 4pm We took a stroll in the garden and she went to the Café and bought us each a Fanta Orange. It was very nice sitting under the trees and I felt as if all the cobwebs were blown away.
Thursday 8th August
Friday 9th August
Monday 12th	Had no visitors today.
Tuesday 13th	I am anxiously waiting to hear about Clive and cannot wait to see you tomorrow evening.
Wednesday 14th	It was lovely seeing Inel for a few minutes yesterday afternoon.
Thursday 15th	I am so excited and thrilled about Clive. Hell he has really done well for himself. What lucky parents we have been so far.
Friday 16th August
Tuesday 20th	I felt in no mood to write anything yesterday and am reading Thursday’s notes it just goes to show how quickly one can be disappointed. I am afraid after your phone call last night and Clive speaking to me I really had a fit of depression and just sat and cried my heart out.  I guess this is just another blow I have to get over, I am so terribly sorry that it has happened and I feel it might have been avoided had I not been away for so long. As you know Chip I think the world of Clive and so want him to be strong in character like you. Sharon and Betty came to visit me Monday afternoon.	Lorraine and Barry (monday)
Wednesday 21st	I have got over the fit of ‘morbes’ I had on Monday but you know the reason why I had them.	I had no visitors yesterday (Tuesday)
Thursday 22nd August	….last entry….